Bulimia by Proxy
Ah yes, I was going to talk to you about bulimia.
You see, the thing is, every time I get pregnant I put more weight on. And don't get me wrong, breastfeeding is wonderful and essential and you should just bloody do it anyway because it's lovely and is so very good for your child... but take that stuff they say about weight loss with a pinch of salt. Or rather, several spoons of sugar. OK, so not everyone has a sweet tooth like me, but boy, does breastfeeding make me crave sugar. So yeah, maybe Oscar is a stupendously hungry baby, and maybe breast milk is full of calories, and maybe it's made out of my body fat, but what does that matter if I shovel chocolate down my gob and make great handfuls of new fat every few hours?
I keep thinking, I should make the most of this. My body is taking my fat and turning it into milk. If only I could eat less chocolate, that would be a Very Useful Thing.
But then I think... hang on a minute...
You see, I express milk every day. I squeeze it out of my currently-GIGANTIC boobs and put it into bottles, which are then given to my son. And there it is, in the fridge. Little containers full of my excess fat. A kind of home-made liposuction, if you will. And what if I didn't give it to my son? What if I threw it away? It would be like a kind of sanitised bulimia. Binge on chocolate and bad stuff, then express milk and throw it away!
It all came about because I went out - my second proper night out since Oscar was born (I'll write about the first time later). I expressed tons of milk in advance, so I could stay out as long as I liked and not have to worry about getting home to feed the baby. Whilst out, I got drunk. And ate loads of chocolate. And came home, with boobs full-to-bursting with milk. So full it was painful. I had been planning to wait until the following morning before expressing, so the alcohol would be out of my system. But then I thought, hang on. My breasts have been filling gradually all evening, while I was drinking. So the milk there now will already have alcohol in it, and it won't matter how long I wait before expressing it. So I expressed as soon as I got home, and thought, this is tainted milk. It'll have to be thrown away... oooh, so all that chocolate I just ate, I am now throwing it away again! Yippee!
And then a week or so later, I did an experiment and deduced that all the strong coffee I'd started drinking to help keep me awake... was probably causing Oscar to projectile vomit all over the place. But I was very very sleepy and it was really hard to resist drinking the coffee. Which tasted so nice... and then I thought, aha! I can binge on chocolate AND coffee, and then Oscar will be sick, thus the milk will be wasted, thus the calories are thrown away... bulimia by proxy!
Sadly I am a slightly better mother than that, and have now given up coffee.
And although I'm tempted to eat tons of chocolate and then throw breast milk away... arrrggh. I was brought up by war babies. Waste not want not, and all that. And, you know, it's breast milk. It's magical precious stuff with super healing properties, and I can't bring myself to throw it away.
Bugger.
___
You see, the thing is, every time I get pregnant I put more weight on. And don't get me wrong, breastfeeding is wonderful and essential and you should just bloody do it anyway because it's lovely and is so very good for your child... but take that stuff they say about weight loss with a pinch of salt. Or rather, several spoons of sugar. OK, so not everyone has a sweet tooth like me, but boy, does breastfeeding make me crave sugar. So yeah, maybe Oscar is a stupendously hungry baby, and maybe breast milk is full of calories, and maybe it's made out of my body fat, but what does that matter if I shovel chocolate down my gob and make great handfuls of new fat every few hours?
I keep thinking, I should make the most of this. My body is taking my fat and turning it into milk. If only I could eat less chocolate, that would be a Very Useful Thing.
But then I think... hang on a minute...
You see, I express milk every day. I squeeze it out of my currently-GIGANTIC boobs and put it into bottles, which are then given to my son. And there it is, in the fridge. Little containers full of my excess fat. A kind of home-made liposuction, if you will. And what if I didn't give it to my son? What if I threw it away? It would be like a kind of sanitised bulimia. Binge on chocolate and bad stuff, then express milk and throw it away!
It all came about because I went out - my second proper night out since Oscar was born (I'll write about the first time later). I expressed tons of milk in advance, so I could stay out as long as I liked and not have to worry about getting home to feed the baby. Whilst out, I got drunk. And ate loads of chocolate. And came home, with boobs full-to-bursting with milk. So full it was painful. I had been planning to wait until the following morning before expressing, so the alcohol would be out of my system. But then I thought, hang on. My breasts have been filling gradually all evening, while I was drinking. So the milk there now will already have alcohol in it, and it won't matter how long I wait before expressing it. So I expressed as soon as I got home, and thought, this is tainted milk. It'll have to be thrown away... oooh, so all that chocolate I just ate, I am now throwing it away again! Yippee!
And then a week or so later, I did an experiment and deduced that all the strong coffee I'd started drinking to help keep me awake... was probably causing Oscar to projectile vomit all over the place. But I was very very sleepy and it was really hard to resist drinking the coffee. Which tasted so nice... and then I thought, aha! I can binge on chocolate AND coffee, and then Oscar will be sick, thus the milk will be wasted, thus the calories are thrown away... bulimia by proxy!
Sadly I am a slightly better mother than that, and have now given up coffee.
And although I'm tempted to eat tons of chocolate and then throw breast milk away... arrrggh. I was brought up by war babies. Waste not want not, and all that. And, you know, it's breast milk. It's magical precious stuff with super healing properties, and I can't bring myself to throw it away.
Bugger.
___
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