To Avoid Dissapointments

Oscar is almost certainly fine.

It all started on Tuesday night, when Felix woke in the middle of the night complaining of a painful swelling. He also had a rash, and was in a lot of distress.

I'd just fallen asleep and woke in the midst of a dream, in which I'd played a stupid trick on Felix and made him cry.

We rang NHS Direct, who said to see a doctor in the morning. I fell asleep again.

Then it was Oscar's turn, waking and apparently choking, possibly having a brief fit.

We had a routine neonatal check in the morning, so we mentioned it. They also noted that the remains of his umbilical cord were red, swollen and smelly. And his eyes were very gummy. And we couldn't confirm if he'd urinated since birth.

His temperature was fine, as were other vitals and he was feeding well. But at only three days old he was vulnerable to infection, so the hospital went for the cautious approach.

I've been in hospital with Oscar for the last 24 hours, but I'm home now. I was up all night feeding Oscar, I've been in tears all morning. Then I milked myself so that Ally could come into hospital and take over Oscar-feeding with a bottle, and I could make an appointment with the GP to see about my complaint: an apparent gum infection.

But Ally rang me at the hospital to say the car key had snapped off in the lock outside the shops, and he would have to abandon the car and get a taxi. I called the surgery to say I'd be late.

Ally finally arrrived, I got in a taxi, I started crying again.

And then I was standing at the receptionists' counter, tears silently on cheeks, unable to stop.

The staff were all on the phone. I waited, a pathetic puddle.

Someone put the phone down. Told me I was too late, the locum had gone home.

I disintegrated.

Loud noisy sobs. No words passing through.

I wanted to say,

but I gave birth four days ago and my son is in hospital and I have an infection and I haven't slept and I have to go back to the ward and everything is too hard and nobody will look after me and I don't know what to do

but all I could do was sob

and read a sign on the wall

but not the whole sign because I couldn't get past the beginning

To avoid dissapointments

but they've spelt it wrong

and the receptionists are doing stuff and saying stuff

but I have disintegrated and I am embarrassed and I can't look at them and my crying is too loud and

To avoid dissapointments

but they've spelt it wrong

and they say it's OK, someone will see me, I should sit over there in the waiting room

so I shumble over in my disintegrating state and fall apart some more

on a chair

hyperventilating noisily

and I want to hold my sons

and I want a cup of tea

and I haven't said barely a word

not nearly at all

since I arrived

and everyone is ignoring me politely

and I get my pad out

and write


Instead.


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