Incompetent Pissers
Lucy Pepper and I have agreed to have a piss-off contest, with a side order of dungarees.
A piss-off contest is a bit like a bake-off, but it doesn't involve us actually pissing, and it sounds funny.
We were chatting about dungarees, you see. And we discovered we've both had similar Unfortunate Pissing Experiences, and then we both got the urge to blog about it, and so both we shall. Both shall we. Shall we both. Whatever.
Now, dungarees are traditionally worn by very specific sub-sections of society. Like interior decorators, toddlers, lesbians, hippies and pregnant women. They are, supposedly, practical. And therefore suitable garments for decorators, toddlers, lesbians, hippies and pregnant women. Well, maybe not the hippies. The hippies only wear them cos they look nice, and feel nice. And it turns out that's the only excuse for wearing them.
The problems come with the pissing, you see. Imagine you are a Small Person and you have a nappy full of piss. Or indeed, poo. Quick! Take it off! Have your bum wiped! Get a fresh one installed! No problem, your mother (or Significant Adult) will be happy to oblige. Unless you're wearing Bloody Dungarees, in which case she will have to remove half your fucking clothes before she even reaches your nappy, at which point - especially if she's in a cramped public space - she'll have given up and buggered off to the bar.
But what about the pregnant laydees? Aren't dungarees good things for them to be wearing? Well yes, they're not bad in the old Bumpy Tummy department, but the thing is, old pregger-legs probably needs the loo. Right now, and then again in five minutes time, and often rather urgently. And what does she find? Bloody dungarees, needing to be undone, at both straps, and outer layers removed first to make way for undoing of said straps, and even if she does manage to make it in time, chances are one of the aforementioned straps is now dangling down the loo, something she won't have noticed until she's pissed all over the bloody thing.
OK then, interior decorators. But they need the loo too! And they are up a ladder, and they keep their tools in the bib at the front! By the time they've carefully put the paint pot somewhere it won't spill, and removed the drips from the brush (by sticking it in the bib) and got to the toilet and undone the straps, they're in a right old rush and have forgotten all about the Fatal Bib Flaw, which is that it only works as a pocket when it is upright, and as soon as the dungarees are undone the bib is no longer upright and the painty brush and half a pound of loose change are rolling around on the closet floor.
"But what about hippies!" I hear you cry. Surely the hippies can enjoy their dungarees? Well maybe they could, if they didn't have the unfortunate habit of going to festivals, and drinking a lot, and needing the loo. In the middle of the night. In the cold. In a tiny little plastic box with wee and poo smeared liberally on every available surface, and them with six jumpers and a poncho on top of their dungarees, all of which must be removed before pissing can be undertaken, all of which have to be put somewhere or held aloft, leaving no hands free to undo the bloody straps, which are in any case only going to end up, along with the bib and most of the trousers, trailing on the floor in a puddle of wee, which may even be their own wee because by the time they've achieved these remarkable feats they're so bursting for the loo they may be able to contain their bodily fluids no longer. And what if they're on acid? Imagine that.
Lesbians are all right though. They never need the loo.
And in my many-and-varied dungaree-wearing Life Situations (i.e. all of them), despite coming up time and again against the many Problems Of Pissing Whilst Wearing Dungarees, I still keep wearing them. Because they're comfy. And they look nice.
Rah.
___
A piss-off contest is a bit like a bake-off, but it doesn't involve us actually pissing, and it sounds funny.
We were chatting about dungarees, you see. And we discovered we've both had similar Unfortunate Pissing Experiences, and then we both got the urge to blog about it, and so both we shall. Both shall we. Shall we both. Whatever.
Now, dungarees are traditionally worn by very specific sub-sections of society. Like interior decorators, toddlers, lesbians, hippies and pregnant women. They are, supposedly, practical. And therefore suitable garments for decorators, toddlers, lesbians, hippies and pregnant women. Well, maybe not the hippies. The hippies only wear them cos they look nice, and feel nice. And it turns out that's the only excuse for wearing them.
The problems come with the pissing, you see. Imagine you are a Small Person and you have a nappy full of piss. Or indeed, poo. Quick! Take it off! Have your bum wiped! Get a fresh one installed! No problem, your mother (or Significant Adult) will be happy to oblige. Unless you're wearing Bloody Dungarees, in which case she will have to remove half your fucking clothes before she even reaches your nappy, at which point - especially if she's in a cramped public space - she'll have given up and buggered off to the bar.
But what about the pregnant laydees? Aren't dungarees good things for them to be wearing? Well yes, they're not bad in the old Bumpy Tummy department, but the thing is, old pregger-legs probably needs the loo. Right now, and then again in five minutes time, and often rather urgently. And what does she find? Bloody dungarees, needing to be undone, at both straps, and outer layers removed first to make way for undoing of said straps, and even if she does manage to make it in time, chances are one of the aforementioned straps is now dangling down the loo, something she won't have noticed until she's pissed all over the bloody thing.
OK then, interior decorators. But they need the loo too! And they are up a ladder, and they keep their tools in the bib at the front! By the time they've carefully put the paint pot somewhere it won't spill, and removed the drips from the brush (by sticking it in the bib) and got to the toilet and undone the straps, they're in a right old rush and have forgotten all about the Fatal Bib Flaw, which is that it only works as a pocket when it is upright, and as soon as the dungarees are undone the bib is no longer upright and the painty brush and half a pound of loose change are rolling around on the closet floor.
"But what about hippies!" I hear you cry. Surely the hippies can enjoy their dungarees? Well maybe they could, if they didn't have the unfortunate habit of going to festivals, and drinking a lot, and needing the loo. In the middle of the night. In the cold. In a tiny little plastic box with wee and poo smeared liberally on every available surface, and them with six jumpers and a poncho on top of their dungarees, all of which must be removed before pissing can be undertaken, all of which have to be put somewhere or held aloft, leaving no hands free to undo the bloody straps, which are in any case only going to end up, along with the bib and most of the trousers, trailing on the floor in a puddle of wee, which may even be their own wee because by the time they've achieved these remarkable feats they're so bursting for the loo they may be able to contain their bodily fluids no longer. And what if they're on acid? Imagine that.
Lesbians are all right though. They never need the loo.
And in my many-and-varied dungaree-wearing Life Situations (i.e. all of them), despite coming up time and again against the many Problems Of Pissing Whilst Wearing Dungarees, I still keep wearing them. Because they're comfy. And they look nice.
Rah.
___
Labels: Silly
2 Comments:
That was the funniest thing I've read for a while - been there, done that, so many times, and yet I couldn't have said it all so well. Just one addition: dungarees in hole-in-the-ground loos in Parisian bars (not showing off; I live there) : not only does the contents of the bib pocket fall out, it then slides into the very unsavoury hole. Especially if it's a packet of fags and you haven't given up smoking yet.
oh dear lord! those poopy holes... eugh!
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