Arguments With Myself
I've been trying very hard to foster this new living-in-the-present attitude. It's difficult. But necessary. All my attention is so focused on the future and I'm missing out on all the positive stuff that's happening right now. Instead of noticing the beautiful autumn sunshine as I walk the dogs, for instance, I'm always thinking about what's going to happen next. What will be in my email inbox when I get home? Will I get published? Who by? Etc etc.
But the result of my new efforts is that I'm now possessed by two warring factions. There's "Relax, chill out, have fun" Clare and there's "Get busy! Sort it out! Plan! Panic!" Clare who keeps giving Relaxed Clare big Tickings Off for not paying enough attention to the future. In practice it goes like this:
"Oh help, I feel so stressed out, I don't know what the future holds, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I can't bear all this waiting, help!"
"Stop worrying. Everything's fine. You've got loads of fun stuff coming up, you don't have to go to work, you have an agent and several potential book deals in the offing, and THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE WANTED FOR AGES. Stop fretting. Enjoy it."
"But what about all these things on my To Do list? And what if I get a full time IT contract starting the week after next and don't have time to do all these things I'm supposed to be doing? And what if I DON'T get an IT contract but I DO get pregnant and then I get ill and then I don't get any publishing deals and we plunge head-first into a big pile of debt?"
"There's nothing you can do about any of that. Let go. Chill out. Have fun."
"But I've got so much to doooooooooooo!"
You get the picture. I've been focusing on a supposed future containing Baby II and Publishing Deal II for so long now (at least three years), God knows what'll happen if either of them arrive. I'll probably implode - pop! - and all that will be left is a little puddle. So. Down with that sort of thing, and up with Clare Here And Now, as long as she can stab Clare Tomorrow firmly in the back.
In other news, this post here got me thinking about the whole people-being-nasty-to-each-other-on-the-internet thing.
The thing is... oh hang on, maybe I better make that a separate post.
___
But the result of my new efforts is that I'm now possessed by two warring factions. There's "Relax, chill out, have fun" Clare and there's "Get busy! Sort it out! Plan! Panic!" Clare who keeps giving Relaxed Clare big Tickings Off for not paying enough attention to the future. In practice it goes like this:
"Oh help, I feel so stressed out, I don't know what the future holds, I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I can't bear all this waiting, help!"
"Stop worrying. Everything's fine. You've got loads of fun stuff coming up, you don't have to go to work, you have an agent and several potential book deals in the offing, and THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE WANTED FOR AGES. Stop fretting. Enjoy it."
"But what about all these things on my To Do list? And what if I get a full time IT contract starting the week after next and don't have time to do all these things I'm supposed to be doing? And what if I DON'T get an IT contract but I DO get pregnant and then I get ill and then I don't get any publishing deals and we plunge head-first into a big pile of debt?"
"There's nothing you can do about any of that. Let go. Chill out. Have fun."
"But I've got so much to doooooooooooo!"
You get the picture. I've been focusing on a supposed future containing Baby II and Publishing Deal II for so long now (at least three years), God knows what'll happen if either of them arrive. I'll probably implode - pop! - and all that will be left is a little puddle. So. Down with that sort of thing, and up with Clare Here And Now, as long as she can stab Clare Tomorrow firmly in the back.
In other news, this post here got me thinking about the whole people-being-nasty-to-each-other-on-the-internet thing.
The thing is... oh hang on, maybe I better make that a separate post.
___
Labels: Philosophisering, Writing About Writing
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